Alpenrose Dairy - Storybook Lane

 Rarely do I think to myself, "I have all three boys and no wife around; let's go on a a day trip somewhere!" Riding our bikes to the park or around the neighborhood is one thing, but I hate herding the boys into the van, driving midst their constant back-and-forth insults and jabs against each other, and then trying to keep them in line so we don't get kicked out of whatever place we have chosen to visit. Whether it was inspiration, a softening of my heart for the season, or I inhaled too much moon dust morning, I decided to take the boys to the Alpenrose Dairy in nearby Southwest Portland to visit Storybook Lane.

Daft Punk inspires this kid's robot-enhanced voice

We once looked at a house nearly across the street from the Alpenrose Dairy, so I knew how to get there pretty easily, but I had emailed the directions to myself just to be sure, and I gave Aaron my phone and told him to navigate us. In the process he quizzed me why we don't have a GPS device in the car, but he failed to provide a legitimate reason why we needed one. So he gave the directions in his best robot-like voice. For the record, GPS makes you dumb. I know, because Ken Jennings told me so, and he's both the richest and smartest guy I pretend to know. We arrived without much fuss in the car, and the boys didn't even complain when I parked as far as I could from the event, because I didn't want to take my wife's ultra-clean van into the make-shift parking lot in what was probably the grazing and pooping area for the cows.

This turkey has it made, at least until Christmas Eve

Before even setting foot in Storybook Lane, I feared that Aaron, who is 9 going on 13, would scoff at the activities and try to spoil the event for his younger brothers. Boy was I wrong. He commented how awesome the place was and was eager to experience it all--including a visit with Santa Claus, whom he knows to be a false but useful holiday tradition. All of the buildings in the faux village were small and and most were selling treats or goodies or trinkets--which were useless to us because I had warned the boys that "I have no money"--but we found other things of interest like the model railway sets, one of which is permanently on display, and which captured the boys' attention for some time. Storybook Lane was probably the highlight for the boys, and they didn't mind the five-minute wait to get inside. I had no idea what to expect, but when you stuff over 200 live, flocked Christmas trees; a ton of farm animals, including a pig, a turkey, chickens, a rabbit, a mule, ducks, pygmy goats, a lamb, and an elkdog; and little playhouses, you have one cool display. Ian liked seeing most of the animals, although the larger ones caused him to tremble and demand I carry him out of the display as soon as possible.

Interesting list indeed . . .

Just keep me away from the bearded one

The boys also wanted to wait for a chance to visit with Santa Claus, who was holed up in one of the larger (and heated, thankfully) buildings in the village. We had received ticket #143 when we arrived, but we were able to trade up to #100 while waiting in the reception area, where the boys stayed mostly busy writing lists for Santa, eating candy that I had brought for them, reading books, and playing with toys and blocks and puzzles that were scattered throughout. After about an hour of this, they finally called our number and we took our place in line. While waiting these last few minutes, we collectively decided that Ian should go first, followed by Eddie, and Aaron being the last. But as soon as it was Ian's turn to sit on Santa's knee, he screamed and gripped me as tightly as he could. I wish he would tell me what exactly it is that bothers him about Santa, but he failed to articulate anything meaningful. That meant it was Eddie's turn. He said "Oh no, no way am I going over there." So Aaron played the role of first-born perfectly, walking nonchalantly to Santa, hopping on his lap, and began conversing with him like they were old chums. Santa handed Aaron a candy cane as he left; Eddie saw this exchange and immediately changed his mind. He walked briskly over to Santa, all prior hesitation completely evaporated, and had a lively chat. I tried to persuade Ian that he also could get a candy cane if he would go sit with Santa, but the sugar was not persuasion enough. Ian is pretty good about listening to your argument, even if he has no intention of taking your side, but there's just something about Santa that doesn't sit right with him.